efferescent:

remember when a girl from my school wore a dress the same color as the green screen at prom

oh yes

her date did too

mikeyfriskeyhands:

Honestly if I had the body I wanted I’d probably dress like a slut Im just saying

geometricdeathtrap:

metallikato:

generallegendary:

metallikato:

jewelstaites:

how to give a good handjob

• bop it
• pull it
• twist it

• harder
• better
• faster
• stronger 

You pull your left hand in
You pull your left hand out
You pull your left hand in
And you shake it all about!

Cha cha real smooth

none of you ever touch a penis

perfectrainbow:

imagine someone telling you theyve masturbated to you like how flattering would that be

You:  hi
Stranger:  hey
You:  wanna cyber
Stranger:  Depends are you a girl? ;)
You:  ya
Stranger:  And okay then, you start?
You:  i come into ur bedroom
You:  and ur sleeping
You:  and i crawl under your blanket
Stranger:  I'm still asleep
You:  u feel me pulling down ur pants
You:  and u wake up and smile
Stranger:  I kiss you gently, still sleepy
You:  then i smile and open the scissors around your dick and snap them closed
You:  cutting off your penis
Stranger:  wait
You:  THATS WHAT YOU GET FOR CHEATING ON ME
Stranger:  Then what...?
You:  I HATE YOU
Stranger:  I didn't cheat
You:  you bleed to death in your bed
Stranger:  i didn't cheat on you. lets restart ok
You:  nobody ever knows what happened
You:  i flee to mexico with your Mercedes
You:  the end
Stranger:  I have a mercedes?
You:  not anymore faggot  Your conversation partner has disconnected.

Reasons To Be Happy:

1. Dead trees still stand and so can you.
2. You have five fingers on each hand. One day those fingers will travel from your lap to someone else’s and that person will know all the bad stuff and still want to kiss you. 
3. Seasons are guaranteed when nothing else seems to be.